NaNoWriMo saved my life.
True story. And I've written 18,594 not-great words so far.
I wanted to be a writer my whole life. I had not put in the work to do it and by the time I was in my mid-to-late 40s, oh so long ago, I had made up my mind, nope, I wasn’t a writer.
But I was a reader and I worked part-time at a synagogue library and thought gee, being a librarian is pretty good. People ask you for help with what to read. You know the stacks and you guide them to the books that fit their needs.
I was like a matchmaker for books and people.
And the kids! You get to do storytime! I got to plan and create little felt boards for storytime! I created scripts for myself and had lots of copies of the books on hand for kids to check out.
And one kid called me Library Girl!
Being Library Girl put me on cloud nine! I felt powerful and effervescent, I felt the stars had aligned for me…
And so I went to library school. I knew there were other and bigger opportunities in the library world. I would be a professional librarian! Perhaps Library Woman!
It was more fun than I thought I could have and also stressful, balancing part-time school, part-time work, and home.
And I have ADHD (which I did not know I had at the time), so you know, every paper or project I worked on that was due by a specific due date, got there on time, but… of course, they were done at the last minute.
Danger, Danger ahead, Library Girl!
And I worked part-time in a local library system. What could be better? I started shelving books, went on to Youth Services (storytime!), and then somehow, the year I was graduating from library school, got a job as an Assistant Branch Manager.
Shortly after I was hired in that role (which was at the branch where I was in Youth Services, oh lucky me, right?), I blurted some things I shouldn’t have and got in big trouble. I felt so bad, all I wanted to do was to make things right, to clean up my side of the street, but nothing I did, even to the satisfaction of HR, seemed to help me feel like I could manage the people I was supposed to supervise.
There was no cloud nine here.
Every day at work now was like stepping into a lake where you have to walk on pointy and slimy rocks before you can actually swim. It made better sense not to try to swim.
Every day felt poisoned. I was stupid. I was incapable. My supervisor told me, “You CANNOT make a mistake!!”
I did not know how I could get out of this morass of depression. How could I feel like my old self again? Could I ever be Library Girl again?
During November, the dark and gloomy month leading into shiny December…
What was something I could do for myself in which I could succeed, and it would just be for me? What might feel like a pick me up, without being an addictive drug? What could I do to help my broken self heal?
2007 was the first year I did NaNoWriMo. I came to a Kick-Off party and made a commitment and went to as many write-ins as I could. I knew only word count counted, and the idea of writing a story from beginning to end really appealed to me. And it didn’t have to be a good story. No one was going to read it unless I let them.
There’s something about making a grand and stupid gesture for the good of your mental health that overpowers depression — at least it did for me. Taking any kind of action, taking a risk no matter how small felt like Library Girl fighting the Evil Book-Banning Gang!
And when I reached that 50k finish line, I felt like I could do anything.
My first story was about a girl who goes to a world where she’s got a destiny, as old as her ancestors. She has powers in that world, but not in ours.
My current story sort of continues that theme, but in this one — and I am having such a hard time with it… I’m “telling” for pages and pages, and not “showing!”
But it’s a prehistory of a rough draft, so I’m okay with that for now.
Here’s what I learned:
Never supervise where you have been an underling. Your pals will resent you. The moment you become a boss, they do not trust you, they don’t like you. And you can’t friend them into liking you. So there. Although they did like that if I worked on Saturday morning, I brought bagels and cream cheese. And I did bring dessert bagels such as blueberry and cinnamon. Not just onion.
It’s easier to plan and manage only one person at a time, YOURSELF. Especially if you have ADHD!
All first drafts, especially prehistoric ones suck. When you start to edit, think seriously about sharing your work. Make sure it’s people you trust. And take what you want, and leave the rest.
I love this song because the lyrics sound like me (just sub “67 years” for 27!”) but the music is so punchy and powerful:
Please comment, love, and share with everyone you know!