Shaking the darling buds of May...
and writing the May newsletters! May is also Mental Health Awareness Month
April Fools Day & Mortality
I wasn't sure if you wanted to read about the moping and worries I had in April, but then, May is also Mental Health Awareness Month.
On April 1st, Scotty and I went to a ball game. Royals vs. Twins.
Row C, in the 400s. So you could see, from a great height, right over home plate. Rows B and A were the only things before a low concrete wall… and the air…
Those are the seats I like. I like being able to watch the game from that vantage point.
But as we tried getting to our seats stepping in front of people, I found myself falling forward and in that second I fell forward, I thought, oh shit, I’m going to fall right off the stadium and die…
I felt myself slide and grabbed at a seat; my other hand scraping on the ground as my right thigh thudded against the top of the seat in front of me.
ugh. A public fall. People asked, “Are you okay?” I was able to groan, “yes, I’m fine.”
But I wasn’t fine. I had a big old contusion on my thigh; hands, sore and bleeding some.
But that wasn’t it. My mindset changed from “Yay, I’m at a baseball game!” to, “Oh my god, stadiums are scary and I’m going to die. I’m in my 60s and falling apart…AUGGGGH!”
The last part, the I’m older and getting even older, and I’m I don’t know how many years closer to complete debilitation and death kept me from a lot of moving forward. And that meant writing the May newsletter.
That’s what happens when I depress and obsess about something so dire as my possible imminent death: I enter a gray netherworld of no motion, trying to keep my emotions in check.
Maybe, Reader, sometimes, you feel the same.
But here I am with the first installment of May’s Z Words.
But here’s the good news…
I do a bunch of celebrating in April. For one thing, my birthday comes in April and I’m still here! And this year, we did something I really, really wanted to do: put shades on the windows in my study. We had barbecue from RJ’s and then cake and ice cream and I got to make Scotty and Oscar watch an episode of “Columbo” with me.
Anyway, it was a great birthday!
Little by little I got out of my funk.
I do laundry. Or wash dishes. Some activity to take my mind away from the inner self and will benefit me.
I went for a little walk. I think movement helps. Any movement.
I wrote about it every day in my 750 Words writing and wrote more than those words if I needed to. Sometimes that’s the only writing I did. Writing about feeling scared and sad and unable to do anything.
I told a few people, including my therapist. And I’m telling you all now.
I put together and installed a sit/stand desk in my study. I keep the laptop on the new desk and I can sort piles of paper and write by hand on the old desk. Together, it looks like an L-shaped desk. I feel very office-y now.
I am truly grateful and lucky to have this arrangement. There’s more I want to do with my space, but right now I’m quite content.
I am so happy to finish this edition and there’s just one more thing…
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Just one more thing…
Thank you Eri!